I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
why do cheetos always look like penises
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
