I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
