atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
