You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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