OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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