HIV tests are more positive than that guy
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
