So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
