Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
