You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
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I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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