If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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