I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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