if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
