OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
