Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
