I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
