He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
