I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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