i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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