"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize