How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Boobs speak an international language.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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