Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
