he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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