Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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