why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
