Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
