I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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