took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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