Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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