tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I AM VODKA MAN
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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