the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
