so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
