what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
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Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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