Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
