Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
