Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish you could order shots online.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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