i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
