"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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