dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
