I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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