I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
