Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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