Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I smell like Dick and happiness
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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