I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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