we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
