i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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