I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
