My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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