Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
