i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
