how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
