It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
