We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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