This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
