That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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