Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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