I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
