i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
